I cry silently

“Weeping may last through the night but joy comes with the morning” Psalms 30:5

Tears are words that can’t be spoken. They might be seen as an act of weakness or brokenness yet sometimes, they do come out due to some excess/immense and unexpected joy.  Crying is part of our emotional package whether we like it or not and we women are generally good at it than the men. We cry over the little fights, the lost friendships, the re-unions, the romantic movies…in fact anything and everything can make us cry. But what about those tears we hide from the world? Have you ever really sat and tears just rolled down your eyes and you asked yourself ” why am I even crying“? Well the answer is deep within you and this is mine…

Always lost in my world/thoughts, all my memories flash right in front of me. Both the good and the bad ones and I spend hours reflecting and rewatching my life..well my past life. I focus mostly on the negative ones though and all these questions start popping: “what happened to me?”, ” where did I go wrong”, ” why did I do that“, and you know the rest. Then the reprimands starts; I start blaming, cursing, breaking down and even punishing myself for them. The obvious scenario is placed and that dark side in me takes the lead…I even start hating myself. I usually say ” it’s all my fault. I’m so stupid. I messed up. I’m good for nothing “ etc…and then I breakdown and cry. All by myself. Funny thing is, these thoughts/memories pop up at anytime and at times I’m at work so I quickly rush to a bathroom and wash my face or stay there for a while. I sit quietly,wishing this wasn’t my life, wishing I wasn’t here. Those memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks.  I cry deeply.

Well, all of this could obviously lead to depression you know cuz adding to the fact that I think a lot, I don’t talk a lot. Meaning, I go through this, all alone. Then I start hating the world because I claim everyone has abandoned me. No one is there for me but how can anyone even be there when I myself I am not there? Do you get my point? The whole issue of isolating yourself is to be by yourself so by doing so, you can’t expect people around you. You’re in your world and you alone can allow people in there if you want to. So you have to make a choice.

I don’t only think about the past though and so my thoughts about the future pops up. But since I just had a nightmare rethinking my past, my future definitely doesn’t look good. Oh my…then the thoughts just keep hitting in: “how do you expect to make it when all the chances they gave you, you blew them away? You cant possibly make it any soon. You see your life?” And I just literally break into pieces..I’ve not only made mistakes but I tampered with my future. I cry heavily.

Not forgetting the friendships, relationships that ended down the drain. All the hurting proces…I start remembering how I gave it my all yet it didn’t seem to work out. I was used cuz of my nice/forgiving nature and I didn’t see people’s real sides quickly. I just realized, only after all my bruises turned into wounds and my heart went through unending mending and breaking. I just didn’t know what I could do. Then I’ll remember all the words that weren’t sincere, all the broken promises, all the fake support and the reprimands I had from people. Me trying so hard to fit in the box and be what people wanted me to be only for their benefits. Loosing myself. And then I start hating myself again, listening to the most sorrowful songs you’ll ever imagine. And I cry silently.

Then comes the expectations…wishing I had this and that…wishing I could do this and that, and when things didn’t go my way, then its unfair. Life is unfair and the earlier I had learnt this, the better I would have handled my tearful life. Would have stopped wondering why am being ignored, the feeling of not being loved etc. All of this being combined, I cry profusely.

I’m not trying to tag myself as a sorrowful somebody but just to make a point here… Crying is necessary and when you find the opportunity to do so, liberate yourself. From my tears, I learnt what was important to me, what really mattered and I had an introspection. It was hurtful, my heart was racing, I felt I wasn’t breathing but certain things became clear. It kinda opened my eyes and formed me into who I am right now. All the hurt, pain, heartbreaks etc just made me stronger and the tears were there to remind me I’m but human.

Tears are a positive representation of who we are. It demonstrates not only our deep emotional connections with our world – past, present, and future – but allows us to visibly celebrate that fact. They are also scientifically proven to make you feel better. And yeah its true, I do feel better after I cry cuz believe me, holding in and keeping your feelings to yourself just destroy you within. Moreover, you might be perceived as a heartless and cold someone if you don’t show any signs. Tears could be cuz we are remorseful for our acts and realize we really did hurt people around us.

Finally, the invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away cuz they keep coming and you have to fight them or face them alone. Stop crying silently. I’m not asking you to stand in the middle of nowhere and break down like the world was crashing down on you. Have a friend or shoulder to lean on, family to stand by you, God to always get your strength from and let those feelings out. I think turning to God most of the times is recommended cuz you will be going through a healing process. He is your Heavenly Father so He knows all your worries, desires etc. Just drop them at His feet and walk away. You’ll feel much better. Remember, tears don’t make you weak, they make you stronger. Cry all you want at night but remember joy comes in the morning. Be ready to embrace. I pray anyone going through something right now find peace and serenity of heart. I hope you can be able to identify the various reasons why you cry. Have a great beginning of week. God bless. 

Sammy J.