Let her tell you about her heartbreaks or the hearts she broke. About those lonely nights where she needed a shoulder to cry on. When she looked at her phone and all she could see were pictures of them. She could talk about the echoes she heard when he said ” I need time” after she had acted all bitchy. She could feel her heart slowly bleed. She could remember every word, every articulation, exactly how he meant it and how he felt. She could feel the distance, everything drifting away. It was painted in her mind forever.
Let her tell you about her denial. How she said to herself ” I’m fine. I can go through this“. How she persisitently lied to herself it was best that way. She just needed to meet someone new and everything will be alright. Thing she did…she met someone and the connection was obviously there but something was missing. She was trying to fill the void…that void only him could fill but it grew worse. She could tell you about the fake “I Love you” she had to keep saying to convince herself. She could recall the late calls with her new lover but all she could hear was his voice…that voice that once told her “You are mine and I am yours“.She couldn’t forget. She could tell you about the excuses she gave just to end the present relationship or how she could simply piss him off. She needed to go back to him. It was written all over her being.
Let her tell you about her real pain. How she couldn’t really express herself. How she just needed him by her side. How she just needed those arms around her to tell her everything’s gonna be alright. How she held on to the dreams, to the promises and to the love…that love she cherished with her whole being. She could tell you about all the poems she wrote to let out all her thoughts. About the songs she listened to, all the memories she treasured. She could tell you about everything he loved. She will explain why she couldn’t open to no one else but him. Why she couldn’t move on. She could go about telling you about their love story, how they met, everything they said and planned and how it was all fresh in her mind. She will tell you about all the guys she denied just to be with him. It was part of her life now.
Now let her tell you about her resolve. She said to herself “I know what I believe in so imma work for it“. So she made peace with herself and her love. She asked for forgiveness and decided to stick to her love. She knew she wasn’t perfect, she knew she had her shortcomings which outgrew her good side so she decided not to give up. She had to learn to fight for what she wanted. She had to even learn how to be alone, to truly know who she really was. She said to herself “I’m too old for this shit. I need to wake from my slumber“. She’s walking her path, falls every now and then but doesn’t forget her goal. She wants her dream back, his love back, her life back. She’ll love him, completely and with every bit of her being cuz even if she killed affection, she never lost her love.
Shout out to my friend Tchassa kamga for inspiring me on this after he wrote How He Killed Affection . Y’all should check out his blog too. Have a blessed day.