I am tired!

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I woke up today feeling weird. Maybe it was my dream but I can’t remember. One of those days when I don’t feel like doing anything, like literally nothing! Luckily enough, I have a free morning so I can actually decide to lazy around or rather, break down my thoughts.

So here I am, laying on my bed and as usual, reminiscing… Did I tell you guys about my summer? No I didn’t so let me give you a brief description of what it looked like…

I ended my classes/semester end of May and so obviously I had to get a summer job. I didn’t feel like it and God knows I needed money. I just didn’t know it was crucial. Maybe I did, but decided to ignore it. I rocked my month of June like I had no worries and as though my semester went well. Truth is, I apprehended I had failed my courses but somehow I was very, very unbothered. So life was sweet and Sammy smiled all along till she got that letter…

My school sent a letter saying I needed to book an appointment for I had flopped and so I was gonna be under a contract. (I spoke about it in my post Conscience talk) and that’s when it hit me…I have fees to pay!!! So the race starts…I began sending my CVS for jobs and I opted to go back to my old job.

I’m sure I don’t need to mention the fights I had with family, the disappointment they felt, the tears rolling down my cheeks as I heard the tone of my mother’s voice when she asked me “what’s wrong with you my daughter? Do you want to give me a heart attack?” . I could feel the pain when I spoke to my dad as he tried understanding the situation and how speechless he was. I could detect the fear my sisters had when they pictured me cry and express myself. They thought I was gonna hurt myself and they begged me to calm down.

I was disorientated, shattered and I didn’t even know where to start. I had just the month of July and August to raise a 6000$ amount for my next semester. “Na witch!?” I thought to myself. Nah, I was discouraged but I stood strong. I asked my bank if I could get a credit but apparently, as an international student, you can’t do that. You either need to be a permanent resident or a Canadian. My heart sank! “This is the end“, I said to myself.

To cut the story short, I had to do morning and evening shifts to make ends meet. I was grounded(if I can call it that way). All my gadgets were taken away from me: no phone, no tablet, no pc. Most of my posts are planned ahead and I use the library to type out my stuff. Writing on my blog was also an issue but since it keeps me sane, I couldn’t let go of it. I was stressed and would barely eat. Lost weight and was lacking sleep. All I did was work. I missed most activities among family and even my lil niece’s first steps😭.

I’m cut from the world, no friends and the last time I spoke with my parents before Saturday was a month ago. They keep asking after me through my younger brother. They want pictures as they hear I’ve cut down tremendously ( it’s now the topic of the house😅). They send their love and encouragements.

The summer is over and school’s resumed. I succeeded in paying my fees all by myself🙏 and I have a follow up in school, ensuring I have all the necessary help I need. I still do night shifts after school because I can’t take any chances. My parents wanted to help but I vowed to work my ass out so they won’t have to spend a cobbo on me no more! 

If you asked me what happened, I’ll simply tell you I was tired! Tired of doing a course I didn’t find myself in. Tired of doing something that didn’t give meaning to my life. I couldn’t switch easily so I decided to make the best of it and then later on do what my heart guides me in.

But right now, I am tired! Physically, psychologically, emotionally and I am tired of feeling this way. I come back home and by 9pm, I’m so dizzy/sleepy. The body needs rest. I walk around holding my waist like I was some grand-mother. I’m kinda bruised and broken. Standing on the same spot and life seems to be playing tricks on me.I feel forgotten, do I even exist? I am tired of coming second or last. I’m tired of doing the same things. I’m tired cuz I feel empty. I’m literally a walking zombie! I’m even tired of writing as I pour out myself on here. I’m saying I’m tired when I’m actually sad. “What’s the need? Who even cares?”…

Well, God cares because he didn’t put me on this earth to be a failure. My family cares because even though we dont speak as we used to, they always check on me. I know my friends care cuz with the few I spoke with,they were so worried and wished me the best. You care because you follow me and read my posts. I may feel tired today and maybe a few more days to come, but I won’t slack. You’ll see me fall a couple of times but you’ll never see me give up. 

It’s funny how a few people with whom I work with, see me work so hard and think I’m just tryna save some money for a crazy trip in Miami or Las Vegas. Little do they know every single dime is an investment for my studies. I know we go through a lot in life and we might not necessarily show it. You just have to hold on and not lose sight of your dreams. I’m making changes in my life, trying to stick to my resolutions cuz it’s time to wake up. We all have bad days but we need to see that little light that’s struggling to glow at the end of the tunnel. God bless.

Sammy J.

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9 thoughts on “I am tired!

  1. Tbvh, i don’t read articles or stories that’s so long… Maybe I’m a lazy reader. But the moment i read the first 3 lines my eyes refuse to sight off, my mind became so reluctant to listen to me. My dear you write well, you’re writings inspire people, who knows if someone would face the same challenge but see this post and learn from you. I’m your friend ok, though we met on twitter LOL 😂. God see you through, patiently waiting for your next post, please don’t be gone too long.

    Liked by 1 person

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