I was having a talk with my sister and her friend Ana (I was actually listening to them) and it was about the couple life. So the discussion was based on their friend (Jane) who just came to Canada to unite with her husband. It’s almost a year and she’s already fade up, saying things aren’t working for her and she wants to go back to Cameroon.
My sister: “Why do you wanna go back? What’s the matter?”
Jane: “I haven’t started school, work’s stressing me plus the adaptation is not easy and I’m waiting on my husband to help me out.”
Ana made a statement which struck me. She said her husband once told her: “Before there’s a ‘we’, there’s a ‘you’ and ‘I’ “. The bible says “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and will be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh”(Matthew 19.5). So how can he possibly say ‘you’ and ‘I’ separately? This is where it gets interesting…
The whole aspect of a couple is about two people (generally very imperfect) coming together to build a better life for themselves and their offspring. These two people are completely different and just like physics explains, unlike terms attract. Both may have opposite orientations yet live as one. Means they’re out to support eachother even when it gets hard to understand. When in a couple one person is successful or has a certain level of comfort and the other isn’t, there’s some tension that builds up and if not voiced out, brings about conflicts and change in behavior. This is not necessarily jealousy but there’s this feeling of emptiness, you are not accomplished. He will always have something doing while you’ll always be waiting for his approval to do stuff.
Many people see marriage as being all rosy, the honeymoons, gifts, petting and everything being perfect. They think when they get married, they’ll have everything they want. That feeling of establishment, they’ve reached their apogee and it’s final; they’ve made it in life. Maybe that’s cuz we’re being fooled by all the romantic movies we watch everyday. I’m not married but I’m living with a married couple and their kids so I’m on an internship kind of thing. It’s an absolute opposed world and you’ll have to face what real life is…living with one person, fronting all sorts of challenges till death do you part.
Don’t get it twisted. I’m not trying to ruin your image about marriage. What I understood about what Ana’s husband told her was: You need to have your own life built up before you can eventually be happy. You need to be stable in life before getting into serious matters because once you start counting on people and don’t get the help you need, you’re lost. There will be decisons you’ll need to make and he won’t necessarily be there so what happens then? You wait till he gets there? There’s a notion of independence that comes in; be your own person, your own decision maker. OK, you can’t always count on your boo because he has so many things to handle and your happiness can’t also depend on him cuz we humans fluctuate a lot.
Emotions…we women are just some emotional typa people. Have you ever noticed; if your man and yourself get into a fight and he has his soccer match that night, it doesn’t stop him from going? But we women, if we had a show to attend, we don’t go. We stay home and cry and start wondering why things aren’t working etc. Thing is, the situation doesn’t change with the tears so why stress all the way? I’m not asking you to be carefree but self-conscious. My sister added and it marked me : “Learn to please yourself”! This isn’t about selfishness but more about inner happiness. Emotions are transferred. If you become depressed, the whole household is, everyone wonders what’s bothering you. If you are happy, then you spread your joy. Have your activities especially when your minds starts racing. By doing so, you avoid unecessary feeding of negative thoughts, you focus on the important stuff and you give your man some space too. Believe it or not, guys need space. And him seeing you being happy, just makes him understand you have autonomy and you know what you want. He might even join you a few times to actually share in your joys. This, in no way separates you but instead builds a strong relationship because y’all have mastered yourselves.
Logic…men do what need to be done and what’s right. While most of the time we women use our feelings and start looking left and right for solutions, they act; straight! Sometimes we perceive men as heartless cuz they just go for it and might not be very considerate. But they are born that way; to be leaders, commanders. Reasons why they all have that stubborn nature. Eventually why they are the head of the family. To put things in place, to teach authority, power, while the women teach respect, patience, love, compassion, and all the loving things you can imagine. The man is the mind and the woman is the heart. There is none without the other. We all have a role to play so we need to understand ours and help others maintain theirs.
I kinda put my focus on a married couple because of my example but this applies to all relationships. Be you and focus on being the best you can be. I can’t be a mom if I don’t know how to love. I can’t be a good house wife if I don’t know how to handle a home (chores, order, time management etc). I can’t be a good wife if I can’t be supportive, understanding, patient, economist, saver etc. I can’t be all of this if I don’t even know who I am! I’m working so hard to clear my faults, building myself up and being the strong lady I’m destined to be. So bae, wherever you might be, you probably have it all figured out. Or not, but I pray when we do meet, we make a terrific couple. One who through thick and thin, break the odds. But to do that, you’ll have to let me be me and I’ll have to let you be you. Two perfectly incomplete individuals to form a perfect match. God bless.