Hey love…

love

I don’t have enough words to pronounce yet I feel the urge to say something. I’m tired of talking too cuz I feel I sound like a broken record. You must be sick of hearing the same things too, right love? You don’t need to tell me. I sense it, I know it. I originally wanted to write some captivating, emotional love letter but it would have been a repitition of what you already know. I can’t help it so let’s just do this…

Today is our day..I celebrate you, love. The very day you came into my life, everything changed. My world became better. I didn’t really know what it was like to love…maybe I still don’t but yours was different. My past experiences were one sided and even when I said the words, they weren’t right. I gave up easily and never had to prove anything. Afterall, they (my former loves) loved me, adored me so they bore with me. But I couldn’t fake for long and so I ended everything. I was searching, wandering, lost and you found me, love…

I didn’t plan it but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. It felt so good, almost like a dream come true. The vacancy that once sat in my heart is a space you now hold. The way you loved me, I still wonder how but mostly why. You opened up to me and let me see every little piece of you. You gave me your world. Slowly but surely, I owned it, lived it, believed it. I knew you in/out. You made everything seem equitable. With you, I could touch the sky. My world revolved around you. It’s crazy how you impacted me. You know me more than I know myself. You know just what to say. My life with you, a living paradise. Then I broke you…

I failed you love. I doubted you, made you feel not good enough. I let my fears and insecurities overshadow me. I forgot about you and focused on me. I was ungrateful. I could go all night long but I had already told you everything in that last note I wrote to you. I will like to say I’m sorry but what’s the need if I plan on making the same mistakes? Not because I’m stubborn, not because I don’t want to change but maybe because I’m not ready and it wouldn’t even be intentional. My whole being will long for you love but if I haven’t made the decision yet, it’ll be useless. I want things to be better yet I still want you to make the first steps. I still want you to tell me you’re still there, love. That you still believe, love. I apprehend every little move and the thoughts keep coming: If I said it, will it still matter? If I opened up, will you still listen? Ofcourse you will because you care and that’s all that matters for now. You’ve heard this a million times and you expect something…you want to see that light down the tunnel, a ray of hope, a change and words won’t do anything. So I sit lie in bed all night pondering…

Yes I’m scared maybe because you mean more to me than any other person, love… I see you in every being I meet. They all remind me why you’re so important to me. Everytime those songs we shared play on my playlist, I still hear your voice. I pass the streets and see that building where we stayed and it reminds me of our times spent together. When you whispered sweet words to me. I miss you, every single day love and it breaks me. I don’t wanna lose you now. You reflect me, you’re my mirror. I want you, all of you, all your flaws, all your imperfections. Yet, if I want to have you fully, I have to start with me, love. So here’s to my rehab…

I read semewhere “the more the resistance, the better.” You have challenged me love so I humbly take the task. I was strong with you but I’ll have to be stronger without you. You taught me how to believe, to be brave, to be more confident and during this period, I’ll be all of this and more. I hate this part right here but it has got to this. This is me fighting, me taking my life, love. Me making sure I put in the best, to be the best and remain the best. I was so used to you, you were a part of my day-to-day life and now it feels the world is crashing love but it’ll pass. I may feel sore but it’s better to have nothing to love than to love the right thing wrongly. I know you are somewhere watching love, waiting for me to give you a sign…

“The distance between us is good.” you said to me.

Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. I hope to find you soon, love. Keep your eyes on me, love. I’ll be back and definitely better.

Yours truly,

Sammy J.

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