The Indecisive Girl.

Today has been a very emotional day. I woke up drained and angry with the world. Why? I just guess my feelings were acting up on me. I was genuinely thinking about one thing: my relationships. I fell on some testimonies and they had me crying. A twitter thread actually inspired me to write this because I felt my whole life in one phrase: The Indecisive Girl. This year taught me I could have the perfect relationship and it could be a nightmare if I wasn’t ready for it. Ready? For what? I thought I could just get into a relationship and then things will obviously work out especially if it was the right one. Then this whole process of growing together, learning from each other was just the perfect way. But no…you need to be ready. The word ‘ready’ plays a great role here for it determines if yes or no that relationship will funcion. Let me break it down for you…

Being wishy-washy, I was never satisfied. I mean, I could like you for a reason today and hate you for that same reason tomorrow. Why? Simply because I was inconsistent. Confused. I didn’t really know what I wanted. I had fluctuating feelings. I was lookng for something else. The relationship was fire, the guy will love me to the moon and back but then boom…I start having this ‘what if’ feeling: What if this never works? What if he cheats on me? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail him or I hurt him? and the movie kept playing in my head. Maybe he’s too nice, over demanding, not satisfied, authoritative too clingy, too possesive, not caring enough, too friendly, not romantic enough, forgets dates, a little arrogant, proud, blablabla. Was I looking for the perfect guy? Did I want an equilibrium? The perfect relationship with a guy formed the way I wanted him to be? And if he wasn’t some particular way then he wasn’t meant for me. I then start creating drama, making excuses, finding faults everywhere hence breaking the other. Funny part of the story, I’ll rather frustrate him than try communicating hence leaving him sore and empty. Leaving him feeling not good enough. Leaving him wondering what went wrong and if it was all your fault…

Interesting part is, when things fall apart, I start blaming everyone and everything: Family, the guy, studies, life, God and I start cursing. I blame everyone except the real culprit: me,myself and I. It’s so sad. Honestly, deep down I wanted commitment so what changed/happened? My mind changed…indecisiveness. I didn’t know what I wanted so I jumped into another relationship hoping to find what was missing in the last one. Trying to fill the void. But truth is, I wasn’t honest with myself and neither did I acknowledge I had a problem…I was scared of being alone.

Taking a pause in my life right now makes me realize a great deal of things and I know I want changes. I know I am the problem but here’s the main thing : LOVE IS A DECISION!! Only people who are matured enough to not be controlled by their emotions are capable of sticking to their decisions. Every now and then my emotions get the better of me; one second I’m good and another I’m all crazy going gaga. Why? Sincerely because I can’t control myself. I just let my feelings be the boss. If I don’t fix this mess right now, all this faltering emotional foolishness will bleed into my marriage and this is the part that scares me. Things don’t magically change when you get married;it could be worse so be careful what you carry along with you. I keep pondering:  Do I want to cheat on my husband directly because we pick fights and I can’t stand being alone? Will I throw everything away just because I can’t get a hold on the way I feel? Will I forever be a slave to my sentiments? I don’t think I want this for myself nor for my man. I don’t wanna stoop that low. He deserves better…

Understand you have a problem and try fixing it and this is not by getting into another relationship. You’re simply lieing to yourself and your new boo thinking you have it all settled. You need time to do the hard thing…LEARN TO BE ALONE. Not alone as in being an introvert but alone as in you’re not trying to fill the void aimlessly. You’ll be ruining yourself by doing that and the new guy too. You’d be surprised how many problems you could avoid by sincerely ignoring some texts/dms and by leaving certain messages unsent. Learn to spend time alone.

It’s hard and I say it all the time because we are already used to being around/with people we love and who love us but it’s necessary for the soul. It could take you days, weeks care months but you’ll need to reach a level where you no longer need someone around all the time. When you get comfortable with being alone, you now have to mentally build up the maturity to understand what you want and stick to it. The problem with we indecisive people is not that we can’t make decisions. It’s not even about us not being capable of doing it..WE JUST DON’T WANT TO and then the whole concept of maturity comes in. You have to grow up and take over your life. Stop acting like a kid who cries over candy.  So here’s the deal:

1. Acknowledge your issues
2. Take time to be alone
3. Be decisive. 
4. Trust the reward for commitment is worth it.  

You have to have faith in love for it conquers all. You have to believe in marriage, in honesty, in commitment, in building the relationship and family you truly wanna reach and you shouldn’t let yourself be stopped. This brings me to the point of making a list of what I want in my spouse and stuff (and my previous beliefs) but I might keep the punch for another post. Stop blaming boys or girls for your shortcomings. Stop blaming your emotions for your lack of maturity. Donot try to fill the void worthlessly especially a void that only God can fill (next post). Grow up, make the changes and watch your life glow…

You may not find the right person now but you won’t have to break hearts the same way you used to. I have hurt a few due to my hesitant nature and at a point, I blamed them for thinking they were the problem. Now I know better and I’m deeply sorry. I hope they forgive me some day. Get into relationships for the right reasons…stop playing around especially if you ain’t ready for it. Build yourself up first.  If you find yourself in this message, donot be discouraged. It’s never too late to make the necessary changes in our lives and be better. Don’t be the Indecisive Girl/Boy.  I hoped this helped. God bless.

Sammy J.