When I run out of words

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I’m a very quiet person right until I get comfortable with you and get to show you my crazy side. I’ll laugh out loud and say the weirdest things on earth. Plus I play like a kid and you’ll wonder if I’ll ever grow. There are times I get short of words too mostly when I’m overwhelmed by my felings. Believe me, you’ll have a hard time understanding what’s going on in my mind. And when I do try talking, I’ll send you endless paragraphs of words, quotes, abbreviations, hints, lyrics of songs etc, just leaving you speechless. The work being bulky, my words seem incomprehensible, pure gibberish (I don’t smoke crack or take other substances). Maybe you’ll think it’s intentional, like I didn’t want to open up or just to confuse you, chase you away . Maybe I simply can’t fit my thoughts into phrases. Maybe what I feel is just beyond expression. I run out of words…

I can’t express everything. I can’t explain everything. Especially when something has to do with emotions, pain and feelings that submerge my whole being. I simply break, I’m mostly at a loss of words. I can’t always tell people how much I love them. It’s so cliché that the word “love” has almost lost its meaning. I prefer writing poems and sending you those sweet little messages every morning. Or I use the words “take care for I care“, “you mean the world to me“, “I need you“. All those little signs that can let you know you are a part of my life. Other days I just lose it and can’t say nothing, it just gets too much. I can’t always tell people I miss them because that too doesn’t convey the message of what I really feel inside. I really wanna hold them, give them hugs, have pillow fights, kiss them, be there for them. How do I portray that?

There are other things I cannot put into words. Like the time my heart is overjoyed when I hold a newborn or when a kid comes running towards me. The love I see in their eyes. When I feel warmth in the embrace of the people I love. When I watch those touching movies and I wish life was that perfect. When I hear stories that I feel I am a part of. When I see all these weddings and I imagine mine and how beautiful it’ll be. When I receive a text from someone dear to me. When I know I put a smile on someone’s face. When someone tells me I’ve impacted their lives and I mean something to them. The tears that roll down my eyes cuz I got some good news.When I count the things I am blessed with. When gratitude flows out of my eyes for all that I have whether I deserve it or not. No words, songs can describe how much this means to me.

I can’t use language to convey how and where it hurts when others put me down. When I’m disappointed. When my trust is broken and my hope all lost. When somebody uses words to cut right through my heart but I can’t find any words in turn to make them stop. When I see something I worked so hard for, go down the drain. When I feel lost and drowning. When I see no possible escape, no turning back. No screaming, shouting and cussing can’t and won’t help.

When I run out of words, I run, I hide for fear of judgment. I break, crack and try mending my wounds. I listen to songs and all the lyrics all make sense to me. I see the world in a different way. Things change, people change and it sems everything is on pause or played a 100 times faster. Is life playing tricks on me? What do I have to say? Where am I going? Who do I run to? How do I face this? How do I even paint this out? Who will understand?

Through it all, though no words can measure these feelings,my silence that is there when I am stripped of words and language, says it all ,shows it all, proves it all, breaks it all. That silence tells me what I need to hear and lets me say what I need to say. It guides me through the shadows of loneliness, emptiness, unfulfilment, retirement and somehow I find my way. Everything gets clearer and I can now go back to being me, trying to sort out this whole overcoming life of mine.

If I ever lack words, be patient with me for I myself I’m struggling to get my ideas clear. No offense meant when the question “Sammy what’s wrong with you” hits and all you get is an “I don’t know” answer. I get choked up in my own thoughts/feelings that sometimes I can’t find my own way/answers. I think then I need space and time. And this is the period where everything sets in and I say ” If you don’t understand my silence, how will you understand my words?“. But you don’t do telepathy so yeah, I’ll get to you when I’m all  focused. And if I still can’t find my words, then not all things can be explained/expressed. So until then, I’ve run out of words.

Sammy J.

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