You’re always on my mind.



I could talk about this for hours but I get lost inbetween. Love? What could this really be? Don’t ask me cuz I think I blew it. It was clearly so close but now it seems to be out of reach. I get to feel it, once in a while then I scream. I still get buterflies even through the slightest smiles. That “hey, how u doing” means more than anything. I might just be drowning in my own stupidity. Am I for real?

I get these words too often: “I don’t want to lose you“. I bubble. Then shit happens. I get in trouble, making things rush double. I now get “I don’t wanna hurt you but I’m not able“. I fumble, I’m breakable. I got too comfortable reasons why it’s unbearable, unacceptable. This isn’t just about me so it’s comprehensible. But I have to ask, are we not compatible?

I lie all day, pondering, reminiscing but truly, I’m just hoping this is but a dream. Hoping it didn’t happen, hoping I didn’t lose the battle, hoping this isn’t a riddle and I don’t have to play this scrabble. Hoping you were here with me, hoping this life, what we planned was still unique and you were still my King. Do you still believe?

They still ask after you and I dread giving them that answer. I’m so scared all I do is blabber. I can see that hidden smile and I hear that awkward chatter. I wish it was just banter but I’m stuck in this emotional roller-coaster. I wish I had a feelings adapter or some drugs to be administered, just to feel much better. Do I need a consulter?

I’m in constant disorder; one minute I wanna run to you and another I feel like hitting you. I love you, I hate you, we’ve got to choose. The memories and reality get intertwined, I’m so confused. I don’t wanna fight you, I don’t even have the energy to. What are we: single or a couple? I just want/need you. Do you too?

They say it takes time to heal. Believe me, it’s my greatest ordeal. I made a promise, which was to work hard, to be the best I could ever be, even if it meant putting you to sleep. I’m getting there and I know I’m doing the right thing. I’m staying strong, that’s the deal. There’s just one thing missing; you my King. I miss you. Do you miss me?

Everything happens for a reason, I always keep that sight. We did what we had to, although I do mind. As the days go by, I pray you prosper and reach higher heights. You are my pillar, my might, my pride. You believed in me even when I went blind. You make me smile, I fly. P.S: No matter what happens, always remember, you’re always on my mind.

Sammy J.


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