They say when you want to go forward in life, your past comes knocking right back on your door, seducing and trying to lure you into your old ways. Then you start questioning your existence wondering if what happened before wasn’t a mistake, if where you’re actually going isn’t all rushed up and uncertain. Maybe you miss it, maybe that’s all you’ve ever had and it’s hard moving on. Too many maybes and what ifs. You’re on and off, going back and forth. You seem lost and not moving at all. Or maybe you’re moving but someone’s pulling you back. So there’s one question popping: is progress real? This happened to me yesterday.
Truly, my birthday(2nd March) started right off from the 1st because a friend surprised me with a birthday cake and it was just beautiful. Then the birthday wishes started pouring in: my younger sister literally made me cry with all she said and her wishes (tears of joy). Mom blessed me with words of wisdom. Some friends who are practically never online, did come online just to wish me well. I was on cloud nine and as my day approached, I was already feeling so much love and affection from all over the world. I felt blessed and I kind of forgot I could feel such a thing. I was amazed at how people considered me, loved me, applauded my work and talents, appreciated my zeal and friendship and I never knew I inspired people. I was reminded of that and it felt so good knowing I am doing good to people. I was completely amazed and so grateful.
But like everything, there is never a perfect story. Next minute, I was reminded of some actions I placed and reprimanded for my mistakes. It was exactly this : “every one step I seem to make forward, I automatically move 5 steps behind“. Almost like, in every endeavor I undertake, I never really reach full potential or make any improvement because I’m always taken back to my old habits. And for some time, my day turned gloomy and like every human being, I started reminiscing and I asked myself if I deserve all the love that was showered on me. That single moment changed my picture from beautiful to scary…at least in my thoughts!
A friend once asked me:” Why do you always consider/focus so much on all the bad things in such a way that you forget about the good that ever happened to you?” I couldn’t answer then but with reflection, I came to this conclusion: You can only give what you have and sometimes you hold on to things/words you’re used to because you’ve lived so much with it, it becomes your reality. That’s all you know so that’s all you believe in. In this case, I held on to those words, the taunts and I literally forgot about all the lovely and kind messages. I chose to hang on to the bad than the good maybe because that’s what I’ve been used to. I’ve been used to words being bashed upon me, used to not being enough. Used to being pushed and always compared to others and not seen for my worth. Used to being tampered upon and so whenever situations like this happen, I bash out all the good I’ve ever received and focus on the bad. Because it has been my reality for a long while. And that’s where it kills me.
But now I realized I have been doing more harm than good. I should not have let words get to me. I should have used them as motivation to be better and not close up on myself and my capabilities. I should have fought through the waves and come out stronger. I shouldn’t have opened the doors to depression. I should have believed more in myself and now I realize, everything we have to go through is a test and our reaction to those tests reveal our characters. I just realized I’m still flawed and many things still hurt me. I realized I’m still holding on to so much and I need restoration, acceptance especially from me. I need to accept who I am and mostly to forgive myself. And through this process, I’m learning to know more about myself more than ever and it’s a lovely thing.
In conclusion, YES! PROGRESS IS REAL! It may take time but your slow motion is better than no motion. When you are moving ahead in life and for some reason whatsoever, you find yourself falling back into old habits or being reminded of your past, do not let it affect you in such a way you lose yourself. Let it be a reminder that you are getting stronger and even if the mistakes are hard to swallow, you’re growing and what’s ahead of you is worth the fight and struggle. So be determined, do not let sorrow entice you and remember, you deserve every good thing in this world, to be loved, appreciated, cherished and protected because you are unique and beautiful. Fight your fight and stay strong. God bless.