Imperfect me.

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“There’s no need to be perfect to inspire people. Let people get inspired by how u deal with your imperfections.”

“Sammy you are so wise. You are strong. You are brave. Wow, you really inspire me”.  While all these give me butterflies and make me feel like for once I am doing something right and somehow impacting people’s lives, I am not always a jolly person.

This post is not about me trying to give advise. This is me being vulnerable and realizing that through it all, I am but human. All my strength, wisdom, authority, consistency only apply to me talking to others and trying to help them. I am wise when it comes to others, intentional when it comes to others but as soon as I have to apply that knowledge for myself, to my life and decisions, I am dummy.

Someone told me “Before trying to give advise to someone, make sure your life is sparkling white. Make sure you have nothing to hide. Make sure you are transparent and irreproachable” and it got me thinking. Maybe this isn’t for me you know and really, who am I to try and motivate others? Who am I to be talking about “5 steps to forgiveness” or ” how to love and keep positive thoughts” etc. Have I forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me? Do I always keep positive thoughts? Do I actually preach what I teach?

The answer to this is no but I try to. I don’t write these posts to be seen as some sort of guru who has mastered her life. Hell, my life is crumbling right now but through the pain, broken pieces and everything inbetween, I find time to get lessons from each of those trying moments. And the reason why in each of my posts I say ‘ these steps worked for me and I hope it does for you too” is because I am still learning. It may or may not help but I sincerely hope it does. Me writing them down is my memoir, a reminder I am not where I used to be. I am progressing. I share them because I believe this world is full of so many people going through similar issues that it may reach someone who may need it and keep them going. Just as I keep moving on regardless.

I am not always strong and each time I face a trial, I take the door. I switch off everything, no social media and if you ask me ‘why’, I’ll simply say “I need some space. To think, to figure out my life”. I can do all that during my numerous sleepless nights or whenever I feel like it but the real reason is, I am running. I run away from people so I don’t feel like a burden to them, like I am disturbing them with my problems. Running away from life thinking by isolating myself, everything will somehow disppear and go away. But it doesn’t. The loneliness brings you back to reality and you face the hard truth…so what do you do now?

I make too many mistakes and I carry them like the world has fallen on my shoulders. IIve made bad choices. I get caught up in my over thinking.I have many regrets. I secretly and even publicly put myself down. I don’t walk with confidence. I procastinate like it was part of my DNA. I am impatient and sometimes bossy. I have the wildest mood swings ever and I tend to shut people out and sometimes do transfer aggression. I want to give up most of the times. I start blaming myself and saying it’s all my fault. I hold pity parties and wish my life was better and different. I have my demons and battles I fight everyday. I cry way more than required. I am super emotional and others tell me to learn to calm down. To get my shit together. To stop letting my feelings get the best of me. I smile even when everything seems to be crumbling around me. I am sure not as what I seem to be portraying but I am here, writing this down. Yeah so maybe I am stronger than I think I am.

This is just to say, behind the pretty smile, are hidden tears and cries. Behind the posts and motivation, is a broken girl who is still trying to know who she is and where she belongs. Behind the Bible quotes, is a girl trying to build her relationship with God. Behind the jokes, is the serious girl who just wants to get her life right. Behind every mistake, is me learning a lessson and making the necessary changes. Behind the inspiration, is me trying to inspire and motivate myself and if in the process, I motivate someone, then let’s all learn together. I am learning to be patient, calm, to exercise faith and believe more in myself. I don’t even think I’m perfectly imperfect. I am RAWLY imperfect. But in that imperfection, I am perfectly me. And everyday I try to be better each and every day.

My journey hasn’t been easy but I’m still standing, laughing, learning, forgiving, loving and growing. I still have to live through it all. To everyone who thinks I inspire and motivate them, I am but honored to be able to impact you. Thank you to everyone who through it all, still finds me worthy of being a friend. I know I am annoying and such a baby but you haven’t given up on me. I deeply appreciate you. And if in the process, I get impatient and even forget to practice what I preach, remember, this is the imperfect me.

God bless you.

Sammy J.

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