Standing on the edge.

Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong somewhere or doing a particular thing, like an outcast? And even when you found what triggers you, you still screw up? Or you don’t feel good enough? You just wanna run away and possibly give up? Here I am…having that feeling and I want to give up, almost for I’m standing on the edge.

When I started  this blog I just wanted to pour out my thoughts. Honestly, my poems were genuine but the first few posts, were boosted out of hate or discomfort or because I wanted to shock and hurt someone in correlation with what I was going through. Maybe while writing them I had a clear mind and I did my research before spilling it out to you guys but it was mostly out of my emotions. I still do but today with a much more open mind…I actually mean everything I bring out here.

So things have changed greatly although my life’s still a roller coaster surrounded by a horror labyrinth and all I hear are screams which literally hunt me day and night. Don’t be scared, if I can visualize everything it means I’m still kinda fair-minded. I just live with the memories, the regrets, the brokenness, the shame, the hurt, the pain and each day I simply wish I had the invisble Harry Potter cape so I could just disappear for a while…maybe in the eyes of others. However, in my eyes, I’m so macroscopic…I’m real, I can’t lie to myself. My insecurities and fears are all laid up infront of me. I try faking yet it simply doesn’t fit me. The lies I made up are naturally too impotent. My dreams, wants, needs apparently seem to be far-fetched. Then, who am I? What am I living for? Why am I even here? Perhaps it’s just all in my head but damn! it looks and feels like reality.  Let me just take a minute to talk about my view in the eyes of the others…

I have an army of supporters to begin with my sisters. Words will never be enough to express my gratitude, my love, my respect for them. I can’t count the number of times I spoke about my disablity to move on and they got me back on track. We will cry together and they’ll remind me how an inspiration I am to them and it doesn’t matter how many times I fell but how fast I got back up. Be it for a while, I felt like the earth was at my feet and things were good. Then my friends get into the scene, like my gladiators ready to break the hell out of me if I tried to botch. I remember this chat I had with one of my besties. When she knew about my state of mind, I got her preaching and all carried away by how great I was etc. I still laugh when I read those chats. Or when I spoke to my other friend and he went ahead portraying all the good qualities I had to the extent of linking it to wife material. Crazy friends I have. As if it weren’t enough, even my followers say I’m great and doing an awesome job so sincerely, where do these feelings of not belonging, giving up and not being good enough come from?

Digging down, firstly, I think expectations make me feel not good enough. I’m the head of the family so I have 4 younger ones to show the example to. Your whole life is scrutinized and the slightest mistake could be fatal to a whole generation. Like who wants to know she gave the wrong example? She mislead her own blood? That should be the scariest thing ever. I have already had my bunch of mistakes so you can imagine. Secondly, when it comes to fulfilling your own dreams, you openly don’t believe in yourself. It becomes hard to stick to the commitment, to the desire, to the fight. You wish it was easier. You just want the results and not the procedure and then you break. And if not careful, this process repeats itself over and over again. Thirdly, you think your problems are the most heavy in the world. Then comparison sets in: what are my friends doing? Where are my age mates? How far have they gone and where am I? Life becomes a competition and when you see yourself sagging, you become a failure.  And when this happens, isolation occurs and you are crowned prisoner of your own thoughts…this might be virulent!

Keeping track of my course, I see myself belonging to this dependent, attention-seekers, apathetic, dream crasher, lamentating group of people. Yes…it doesn’t feel good but what to do? Knowing this actually annoys me but I might as well just be as honest as hell and then put my life together. We want it all, but don’t want to work for it and when things crash, we run crying like little girls and not wanting to take the necessary steps. How many people have to tell us we’re good before we start believing it ourselves? Why do we first of all have to wait for someone to tell us that to believe in it? (breaths in…) We need to stop downgrading ourselves and depending so much on others and eventually dragging all their energy because they trying to convince us, exhaust them too. I mean, we were all born for great and wonderful things so why not just go for them?

I have dreams, plans and they may upgrade with time but the prime task, is to inspire. I want to leave my marks on this earth not because I was rich or influent but because I made the world better. I want to touch lives, I want to love hard, live gracefully, to be me and make a difference. But most importantly, in my chase and struggle to my goals, I want to remain good because everything will fade if I loose my sense of goodness/empathy. Moreso, before trying to change the world, I have to start by changing my world. Beyonce’s song ‘I was here‘ reminds me of this aim of mine as it says:
”  I was here, I lived, I loved
    I was here, I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted
    And it was more than I thought it would be
    I will leave my mark so everyone will know
    I was here”

Life has many ways of testing someone’s will; either having nothing at all or by having everything happen all at once. Now you have to decide: do you remain on the ground or wake up? I’ll never remain on the ground because that’s not where I belong. That’s not where you belong. If you ever feel like giving up just think of those people who see you for who you truly are: a chef-d’oeuvre, a masterpiece and even if you don’t believe it now, Fake it till it becomes your reality. Life will hit you real hard but you gotta be stronger. It’s easier writing than facing it but having a positive mindset, praying and actually believing everything will work out is the way to go. I always feel like giving up but when I think of how far I’ve come and all the people around me, I think twice. Plus, that will be the worst example to give because it proves I’m a coward. But when we decide to fight no matter how hard it is, even if we fail, we shall be remembered as people who never gave up. We fought till our last.

I want someone to look at me and say “Because of you, I didn’t give up“. Until then, I won’t give up and even if I feel I’m at the verge of falling off my mountain, I won’t dive in. I’ll stand back. And when the torrents come hitting in, I’ll be raised by the angels. For those having tough times, feel the breeze and stay strong. After the rain, coms the rainbow. God bless.

Sammy J.