Conscience talk

“There’s always that one stupid mistake that changes everything”.

My meeting was at 5pm and I got there by 4pm. I was sitting in a corner and breathing real hard. This was a great step for me, considering everything at hand at the moment. I was shaking, barely breathing yet my posture was relaxed. I didn’t want to raise any eyebrows. I was so scared, what could really happen after this meeting? What will become of me? How will I possibly manage all the engagements am about taking? This is a contract, no mere talk…its freaking serious…

I then realized something… I MESSED UP BIG TIME😥…I thought my decisions were just about me but no…I dragged everyone into this mess, my mess. I hurt those I loved and myself in the process. I fought with my love ones, cried heavily, had sleepless nights and it was just an awful experience. I didn’t think twice, no consideration…I was just barely stubborn. Now I regret..PFF regret. We often do things and then later regret and come up with the famous phrase ” Had I known“? Oh really? What does it even bring to oneself? It won’t change the past and what’s been done, will it? But it takes this blaming for me to be put straight. I was selfish, careless, inconsiderate. I can even say I was wicked. But what do I do now? Run away from this situation or simply brave the winds? I possibly can’t run cuz that’s my life at stake here. So choice B it is… I have to brave the winds for that’s what life’s all about. Facing our difficulties and taking up our responsibilities even when we are scared.

4.50 pm it is and I get into the office. Damn, I thought it was going to be a private session but it turned out I wasn’t the only one signing. All these eyes on me. I feel pressured, judged but I get in anyways. I give my name and sit down, waiting for it to start. We chat, discuss the procedures, the available resources for me, the consequences if I ever decided to break rules again and all the obligations. I’m busy jotting down every point cuz I don’t wanna miss a word. I need to make things right. Going through the rules and I say to myself “OMG, these rules are cruel“…Yes girl, you brought this upon yourself so deal with it. We now go to another room and we fill a form and sign it.

I leave and I’m heading home…I’m literally lost in my thoughts. A 3year journey has turned into a 4 year one. What really went through my mind? What was I expecting? What did I really want? That’s the most important question..What do you want? Maybe if from the start I had figured that out, I would have been honest with myself and my family and we would have found measures to go for it. But I didn’t and I got lost in the way. I’m trying to find myself right now…dotting my ‘i’s and crossing my ‘t’s and I just can’t help but break. This is a cross I’ll carry all my life cuz I’ve wasted years. It changed everything for me; my family life, my friendships, relationships, my career…EVERYTHING! But seeing from the positive side, I will have stories to tell my kids, I’m in a better position to advise my younger ones and they could learn from my mistakes.

Life moves on and though I can’t change things, I learnt something…NO one can go back and make a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new end.  It’s not new for me so all I need is concentration and trust in myself. I don’t want to be the mess I am right now so I’m taking all the measures to do better, be better , live better. I just wanna make everyone proud.  I wanna come out victorious and that’s what’s gonna be. I wanna look up and say “ I MADE IT“! My testimony is on the way…this I Believe!

Moral of the story: Know what you want, Listen when you can, Think of others when doing your things but most especially, don’t lose hope for you are not done yet. Your grace is on the way. God bless.

Sammy J.